Bank Robber Arrested After He Was Caught Jerking Off In Public Nearby

(HuffPo) — A man suspected of robbing a bank was caught the next day when he appeared to be publicly masturbating, according to a release from the Seattle Police Department.On New Year’s Eve at around 5 p.m., a man walked into a Seattle bank and handed the teller a note demanding money and stating he had a bomb. The teller gave him money and the robber fled. At about 12:30 p.m. New Year’s Day, police got a complaint that a gentleman was “having a good time with himself” while lying near the entrance of a car dealership. In what the news release calls a “stroke of luck,” the responding officers noticed the purported masturbator looked suspiciously similar to the bank robbery suspect. The man, whose name has not been released, reportedly told officials he had not been “playing with himself,” but had merely been trying to hide money in his pants. His story matched up with the money that officers found hidden in his pockets and shoes.

News outlets are having a field day with this story. Everyone with a headline making it seem that the guy wouldn’t go a block with his sack of cash before he had to tug his prick. Like the cops rolled up to the scene of the crime and he was jerking off in the bank vault with a roll of nickels shoved up his ass. All kinds of stuff like “Handsy Bandit Caught Masturbating After Robbing Bank” and “Thief Caught With Cash In Shoes, Manhood In Hand.” Reporters who never get to crack jokes practically cumming themselves making these headlines. Hey folks, the guy got caught practically a day later! Everyone is acting as if “laying low after a heist” means you’re not allowed to jerkoff. I don’t care what I did or how many people are after me, I’ll jerkoff in a 24 hour window every time. I’d probably try not to do it on the showcase floor of a car dealership but hey sometimes when the mood strikes the mood strikes. Guy had his cash in his shoes and was clearly about to buy a brand new car. Who wouldn’t get a little turned on thinking about that?

PS – give me a story about someone jerking off in an inappropriate place and you’re getting a story about the time Joe McGrath coached a terrible masturbator 11 times out of 10.